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How to be single and happy successfully after overcoming your break up.
This is a second part series from where we left.
I imagine how devastating it can be when somebody you shared with the most parts of your life, is no longer in the picture.
Then comes the people that want to know where your S.O disappeared to. Forcing you to discuss the problem again for the millionth time. Further making it difficult to erase the memories you shared. Especially when you put everything on social media and will have to go through every picture to delete it. As well as messages on your phone and even gifts.
Now I don’t know about you honey but if I got the diamonds and Bentley, I ain’t getting rid of none of that stuff and I might even transfer his money to my bank account, take his valuables, slash his tyres, leave the gas cooker on and frame his ass at the police station. Depending on my mood. Like who’s gonn’ check me boo!!
That was a terrible joke but that’s how my sense of humour is set up.
Now, in my previous post, I mentioned that if you’re going through a break up now and it hurts, allow yourself to grow through the experience. Do not resist the process. Forgive the kid, forget and move on. Then I said that it is not time to be with everyone and involve yourself with anything.
Instead, I recommended that you Isolate yourself and embrace solitude so that you can work on yourself. It takes two people to be in a relationship and its not always the fault of one person. Though sometimes you can land on the wrong guy.
There was something you did to contribute to the end of your relationship. For me as I mentioned previously I was insecure because of lack of forgiveness basically. I am the kind of person to not trust you again the moment you betray my trust. I said this was an egoistic behaviour and I learned better. To forgive not entertain dishonesty.
Otherwise, you need to take time out, find out your mistakes, rectify them and start becoming what you desire in a relationship.
This article will give you some simple tips of making the most out of your time as a single person before you find the one. I hope you enjoy your read and I hope you find yourself during this season and become a better you.
Some things that will happen in your life, just like the breakup, don’t happen TO YOU but FOR YOU.
I like to believe and its actually a fact, God makes no mistakes.
So sit back, relax, get a cuppa and lets have a chat!
Single and Happy Step 1: SELF LOVE
The first thing I want to mention in this section is that self love involves knowing and understanding your worth and what you deserve. A break up goes through a few stages. The first is that you will be consumed with trying to salvage your relationship and wondering how you can make it better. My advice here is that, there is nothing you can do now to bring the results you desire.
It really is time to let it go and move on to the next chapter. The feeling of rejection regardless of who rejected the other, will cause you to feel the need to bargain and or negotiate. I say, I know it’s hard but it is not worth the effort. If somebody did not see the value of who you are before, there is nothing that is going to change now. Yes they will regret their decision later and try to come back but this is where you need to draw the line.
This is where self love comes in the picture. Not just self love but also self respect. Do you want to be treated like a doormat or public toilet where people walk in and out freely? Do you think it’s normal for somebody to crush your heart like Italians crush olives for the olive oil before they can see your worth?
Many of us get at a very vulnerable state after a break up. Especially women who naturally have a sensitive heart. So to stroke your self esteem a little, you take the guy back thinking that things will be better. Let me help you in advance. Things will not be the same again because your trust has been broken. You will always be in a constant state of insecurity and you have shown the guy that it’s okay to treat you like a public toilet! So he can always walk in and out whenever he wants.
Also, what happens with most people that dump others, they think that there is something better out there. Only for them to get there and find its not what it seemed and they try to come back. Here, you need to realize you’re not born to be somebody’s second choice or second best.
So no taking exes back!! It doesn’t matter if he or she thinks they have changed to angel Gabriel all of a sudden. It didn’t work and that’s okay. Dust it off. The question you should be asking constantly is where do you go from here. How can you make the best out of this situation? This is where I come in.
It’s time to forget your “soul mate” and start mating with your soul. Begin an inside job starting with the soul, going to your mind and then finally your body. Anything you do outside of yourself at this stage I want to be sincere that you will be wasting your time.
You will not find satisfaction and dissatisfaction causes desperation. Obviously desperation begets more desperation and ultimately a desperate life. No amount of shopping, fitness, make up, friends, random sex, drugs, alcohol or advice will fill a specific gap that each one of us has. Inside of your soul.
I want you to think smart and strategically. While everyone else will be working on the outside, take the road less travelled and work on the inside. To successfully work on the inside and find yourself, I don’t care what anybody tells you, YOU NEED GRACE AND GOD.
I have said before to understand a creature or creation, you have to understand the creator. This is actually a principle of life and anyone that tells you otherwise is misleading or lying to you!! You don’t believe me, go and do what everyone does, trial and error, fail multiply, get hurt, waste time and then come and confirm this.
A life without God is as good as meaningless. For me, as a very curious person, I like to experiment different things to draw my conclusions and I can tell you for the little amount of years I have spent on this planet, God is the best solution to every problem commonly known to man.
To be honest not even your parents can help you as good as God will if you seek Him with a genuine heart your weaknesses included. When you seek God, He will show up for you before you even finish saying your prayers. He will transform your beauty for ashes. You will know your worth and further understand your value. You will find your purpose and you will begin to treat yourself with self-respect.
For you to even love yourself better, I am sorry it has nothing to do with these “self help” advices I see floating around on the internet or taking a salt bath with lit candles, soft jams and a glass of wine in your tub. It has everything to do with your soul. Transforming from the inside out. The soul is a very complex area and only God can handle it best. You and I cannot and there is nothing in this universe that can.
So to conclude this section, find God (NOT RELIGION), experience Grace, then find yourself and when you do, you will be able to practice PROPER SATISFYING SELF LOVE. Without this simple method, you will always experience the same problem just different settings. Don’t be hard hearted or arrogant and rely on yourself, talk to God in prayer and ask Him for help and I guarantee you, the work He will do in you will shock you.
Single and Happy Step 2: DETOX
As the word suggests, you need to get rid of the toxicity in your life; mind, body and soul. Myopically, it makes sense to be with friends, family and have a pity party but as long as you’re around here, you will be brainwashed in to thinking ten years ahead. Trained to focus on the bigger picture that is and never looking back come what may by principle.
I mentioned in my previous article that, you need to isolate yourself for sometime and work on you. When you’re under construction and then you have people around, you will be distracted. Everyone will give you advice and most of it will not be directly relational to your problem at hand. So for me, you’re better off in a spiritual presence where your life will transform at 360 compared to what you, your friends and family can achieve.
Also, humans are just naturally gullible. For example, if I am your friend and your S.O treated you bad, I will be on your side automatically without fairly weighing the cause and effect. That’s why I don’t advise being around anyone at your vulnerable stage. Besides, what you magnify amplifies!! The more you talk about your past, the more difficult it will be to move on and experience what you really deserve.
Equally important, pain is very underestimated. To me, its like a key point index. A term actively used in business to define a measurable value that demonstrates how effectively a company is achieving key business objectives. Pain is life’s key point index and sometimes a KPI can be good or bad depending on the company’s performance. For you, now that you have gone through a break up, if you use your time wisely, you will understand the cause of your pain, how you got there and what you need to do about it.
Look at your friends too during this period. How do they think and act. Start silently terminating those who waste a lot of your time. You know better. Those that give you either vague advice such as “don’t worry”, “hang in there” or otherwise. The ones that like gossiping too, cut them off and in general, people that slow you down from being the best version of yourself. The book of proverbs says “iron sharpens iron”. If your friends are not making you sharper and or you’re the smartest in the group, you need to readjust.
Are you sitting there emotionally eating and gaining all the bad fat? Watching millionaires make more millions in Hollywood as you get worse by the day? If yes, for now get rid of that entertainment you have a lot of work to do. Have you joined tinder already and uploaded all your hot photos ready to meet somebody? If yes, don’t be selfish and unfair.
Treat others how you would want to be treated. You cannot take all that baggage and toxicity to somebody else. Imagine it like climbing a mountain and you have a bag filled with things you do not need! What do you think will happen to your climb? It will be hard and you will run out of breath. Probably even faint there miserably seeking oxygen when you could have been resourceful.
Get into a fitness program or start training at home. There are tones of free material online. Use the internet wisely. Start eating healthy. Your plate can make or destroy your brain’s performance. This is not time to be McDonald’s asset! Get those fruits and vegetables in. Drink plenty of water. If you’re sacrificial as I am for the bigger picture, challenge yourself further and fast. Once a month or once every two weeks. Actually, this is the quickest way to get rid of everything in your mind, body and soul. After a fast, do your research, your body renews, your skin rejuvenates, your mind is clearer and you think better.
Like I said earlier too, pick up your bible and dust it off. If you’re a newbie towards finding Faith and God, avoid the media, religion and atheists. Look for Him by yourself, as diligently as you are trying to find answers in the world and you will find Him. When you do by the way, people and habits will just start falling off like autumn leaves automatically. Your standards will rise and you will realize you have been settling and underestimating who you really are. You are going to be so fearless, fierce, focused and on fire. Rather than protecting yourself from the world, the world will need to protect itself from you.
Just like every outstanding thing, there will be a price to pay. People will hate you for no apparent reason and think that you think you’re better than everyone. When this happens, please do yourself a favor and don’t step out of your throne to address a peasant. They might steal your crown LOL. No but really, always stick your eyes on the bigger picture. Don’t let the temporary events on the side walk of your journey stop you or distract you.
So to conclude this section. Exes out. Bad friends terminated. Unhealthy lifestyle in the trash. Positivity and good vibes in practice rather than posting them as quotes on your social media. More action and less talking, explaining yourself, seeking approval or applause from human beings. The only approval that matters and your life depends on I will tell you right now, is God’s. Whether you believe me or not or whether you agree with this or not. Otherwise, it’s show time boo and I’m here to watch your metamorphosis and silently cheer for you. Growing from a cocoon, to a caterpillar and FINALLY to a stunning butterfly. You can do it if you make up your mind.
Single and Happy Step 3: Self-Development
We are still laying the foundation that will impact generations to come. Now it’s no longer about your ex’ actions. So we are not done yet. The toxicity is out and you’re already in the process of working on you. It’s time to explore the sphere of your growth and development. It does not stop on the few things you have read above. I am sure you have dreams, goals and ambitions.
One thing I need you to know here is that nowadays we have broke people teaching others how to be a millionaire. Divorcees or home wreckers telling others how to be in a marriage. Obese people telling others how to be skinny. I mean it’s a man eat man society and everyone has something to say. In such kind of congestion again, you need God’s guidance and wisdom because it’s very easy to be misled. I told you there is no Good without God.
When it comes to self development, I look at the characteristics that God finds pleasing such as Love, Forgiveness, Integrity, Moral uprightness, Generosity, Faith and Trust, Compassion and general obedience. After I highlight these, I look for books that talk about these values and before I get a book to my library, I background check the author.
First of all, if there is not much to say about a “bestselling” author, I am not buying your stuff. Second of all, if you have an ongoing scandal, also no thank you. Not because I am being judgemental or condemning them but I prefer to take advice from people with credibility. From here, daily, I realize there is something I don’t know and need to do something about. Also, learning stops the day your heart stops beating. Be hungry for knowledge all the time and you will have a good thing going on for yourself.
Get the books and start reading. Every month make sure you read at least, two books and apply every single advice you are given there. If it doesn’t work, find what works. Besides that, look for the people that you admire the most. What are their habits. How do they speak, think and act? Learn from them and be very selective with this. Don’t be a sheep following everyone and every single advice out there including mine. I am a firm believer of blazing my own trail!
Just the other day, I was watching three ladies who are social media influencers. They were talking about the negative side of the business and how women hate on each other. Judge and compete against each other. If you try to stand out from someone, they ignore you or start tarnishing your name or make sure you’re not known. Also when they follow you on social media, they watch every single thing you do but will never like your creative work. It’s also about numbers and followers. Then they fake the funk. As in not support your craft but when they see you, they start giving fake compliments. I was like that’s the kind of nonsense I don’t have time for and thank God the destiny of my life is not tied to any human being.
I believe in being genuinely supportive and being there for others. Not once have I looked at a fellow woman and thought of her as my rival. God knows if I would ever MAKE IT in life I am definitely going to help others to get where I am at. I don’t see nobility in thriving on people’s demise or struggles. To say the least that’s just creepy. Looking at nature, I learned that there is room for everyone to be the best and if a fellow woman succeeds I feel so happy and encouraged.
Otherwise, I don’t see myself forcing an interaction or kissing ass to be or achieve anything. Yes networking is important and so is knowing the right people but these so called opportunities can very much be the poison that kill your dreams. People are known for wanting others to do good but not better than them. As soon as you agree with this the better. Other than that, all I need and ever needed was and is God’s Yes. With that, I am good to go. So what did I think was best to do after the knowledge of this shadiness instead?
I looked for the top influencers in the world (I don’t like the name and don’t intend to be one). Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Jeff Bezos. Absolutely my kind of substance. Find yours if these guys don’t cut it for you. Then, I calculated, how much value will I need to measure up to that?! Not that I am comparing myself to them or anyone just to be clear but because where they are is absolutely my cup of tea.
Another thing I thought after that video was that, if I must interact with the so called influencers, I want God to be the one to pick who, how and where. Otherwise if you look at my social media you will see I am not in a hurry to go anywhere or be friends with just anyone. No thank you and you’re welcome to call me a snob. I am the type that prefers to be slow but sure in everything I do. Then when its time to shoot, believe me when I tell you, I shoot to kill.
Why am I telling you this? So that you have a smart strategy for your self development. Do you want to go for basic knowledge where it’s packed with vague advice, misleading information (because your misery is profit to such businesses) and foolish competition or do you want to be at Oprah Level?
If yes, what kind of information/character/knowledge do you need to get there? Always take the road less traveled and the one that looks difficult, impossible and challenging. That’s where meaningful and true success is and people are. The kind that will impact not only you but generations after you. Jesus said something that has recently stuck in my head like white on rice. Like lately, right when I am about to sell myself short I remember what He said. He said “enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and MANY enter through it but small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life and only a few find it”. How profound is this? I want you to think about this and draw your conclusion but it is so powerful!!
The book of proverbs says “A wise man creates wealth even for the next generation”. It’s difficult to achieve that where people are shady and having foolish ways of doing things just to get ahead. Energy is contagious. Emancipate yourself from this kind of crowd. Set your bar high and do the work necessary. At the top by the way, there is no competition like down here and people have good minds in between their shoulders and help each other.
You will never hear Warren Buffet negatively criticising Bill Gates, competing against him or refuse to compliment what he is doing right. Look at them though. Are they not both shining? So I think there is levels to this stuff and it gets better the higher you go.
As far as I am concerned, I would like to mingle with people that think smart, big, ahead and have good hearts. Not petty, rotten and small thinking people. Who even has time to compete against who has more followers or retweets than the other? Or mingle with copycats who cannot think authentically and instead steal your ideas? One thing I said I will not do is watch my back. If there are people in my boat, they are expected to row and not drill holes when I am not looking. It should be common sense. I don’t need to start panicking and watching what I say or how I act around the individual. That’s significantly time wasting and I value my time which is priceless. You see my line of thought? Develop yourself in such a manner that you will have to surpass such shadiness.
To conclude this part, get your self development map and decide which road you want to take. Whatever it will be, ALWAYS BE GROWING AND DEVELOPING. Utilize your strengths and constantly work on your weaknesses. Please don’t be scared to spread your wings and fly. With God, all things are possible and I repeat, you don’t have time to think about exes and toxicity in general!!
Single and Happy Step 4: Journaling
Now, just to give you a break from my “tough love”, here comes the fun part. On your road to discovery, you will have quite an adventure. I remember there were times I felt like giving up but I am so tough on myself you have no idea. I can be crying one minute and the next I am scolding myself to get back on track!! LOL. There were times I felt so mad at God and as you can see I am very expressive so I said what I feel (I regretted it and I advice you to not do it because its simply unfair and somewhat disrespectful).
Then there were times I was so happy with where I am at and felt like I am headed to the right direction. In all situations anyway, amidst the roller coaster of emotions, processes, self doubts and events, I documented every single bit of it.
In fact, I think I will preserve the journal-s then God willing, I will give them as a gift to my first child on their 18th birthday when the time comes. They might need to use it when challenging times come. It might make their work easier and save time. Who knows hehe! Mama knows best!! ALWAYS.
Otherwise, I want you to spend some time everyday, right before you go to bed, of course after a prayer of thanksgiving and supplication, to gauge where you’re at. Write every single detail down. Have a gratitude list too. Then set some challenges for yourself the next day.
When you wake up, write down what you dreamt in your sleep too. God uses dreams to communicate 20% of the time. Depending on how spiritually mature you are. Write down your prayer requests, goals, visions and plans too. Check in with yourself frequently throughout the day. Write. Write and Write. Even sometimes, you will get very good ideas. Write them down.
I’ll tell you what! God is so good, kind, patient and tolerant. I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be without Him. He is faithful even when you as a person don’t make sense. You know sometimes you can be so rebellious that you don’t make sense as a human being? Hahah!
The beginning of this year, I had certain desires which I wrote down in my journal, prayed over them, surrendered to God and forgot about them. Now when I go through my journal, He gave me more than I asked for.
Also, while I am not where I see myself exactly, I am doing waaaaaayyyy better than who I used to be, the things I have been through and I am beyond grateful. In fact humbled. Plus those things needed to happen. They were meant to destroy me but they worked for my good!!
God has given me opportunities I never asked for. True story in detail another day. He has protected me against enemies I never knew I had. Not once have I slept on an empty stomach even when I am broke. Or sleep in the streets. I can’t recall when I was last sick. He literally took me through University in a foreign country. As in I can’t relate to student loans!!
Everywhere I go, I receive tremendous favors and just when I thought I will not go any further, I wake up and find myself steps ahead. As you already know, I know what it feels like to be rejected and you don’t know my entire story. Some of you, if I gave you my past’s shoes to walk just a metre, you will not make it!!
Now its November 2018, I am here still getting better by the second, by Grace through Faith. Everyone has a testimony but me, I have always been THEE TESTIMONY.
You think its by my own effort, the law of attraction or the universe? No! This is nothing but the goodness of the Lord. When I recommend Him to you, I know exactly what I am talking about!! God is good, extremely faithful and His love literally makes no sense. To be sincere. I want you to use the privilege He offers of being close to Him, to find yourself and your purpose!! A life of hit and miss is frustrating to say the least.
There are times and I still think up until now, I don’t deserve His kindness but He still loves me even more. My journal has made me up my praise game a notch higher. Like as I was writing this article, I have taken about three breaks just to sing a couple of songs to God.
So far don’t you think the article is great? It’s not because I can write I will tell you. Basically, it is “He that is in me”. So is every good thing in me you find admirable. Give Him a chance and you will find rest. Some testimonies I would share with you here but I am very aware my enemies are monitoring every step I make and I am not here to entertain them!! Point blank period. Please also if you think you don’t have enemies, I will advise you to stop being delusional. You do and it’s the people you least expect. Those people for me don’t need to know what good thing I have going on.
I like to say, If you’re not adding any spice to the soup, you don’t get to participate in my cooking. Clear and simple.
In conclusion, keep your journal. Record the good, the bad, the ugly and in between. Don’t leave anything out. Later on that information will connect the dots for you. Like why you had to go through the painful experience that you thought will finish you yet here you are reading my post! LOL.
Single and Happy
Step 5: Purpose
By the time you get to this stage, you will not remember what your ex looks like unless you see a picture. Most friends have disappeared (which is the most brilliant thing) because fewer friends equals more focus and precision. You are wiser and now you have a reason to jump out of bed with excitement AGAIN.
Your eyes even look sharper. Like a wild cat in the jungle ready to deal with its prey!! You don’t have time for nonsense or settling for breadcrumbs and the stuff that tags along with it. Now things have changed and you call the shots!! You’re ready to take the world fiercely by the balls and your new nickname is “iron lady” if not “iron man”. Challenges are still testing the waters but you respond like a well trained soldier. Ready for battle and always winning!!
There is something mysteriously beautiful when God works on you. His ways we cannot understand and sometimes it hurts to be a vessel in a potter’s hands but by the time He is done taking you through the refining fire, you will be such a beast.
I will tell you! Again. Solitude is so so good, underrated and addictive. It is also EXTREMELY empowering. If you have been studying, soul searching, working on yourself, praying and hanging on to God, your taste in life significantly changes. You now know what you are doing on this earth. Where you are going and what you deserve. Obviously you become a lot smarter. Your vocabulary is a heavy chevy. Ignorance rubs you off the wrong way and you even have the audacity to pick who you want to hang out with haha! Feels good doesn’t it?
Guess what! Yes it does but it’s not you pulling such power moves. It’s the power of God working inside of you. It stops being about you now and more of God and what He wants. Now He runs the show. When you know who you are, what you want and where you’re going, I want you to know in the beginning it will be hard for you but very much worth it. Hard because opportunities that don’t mesh with your purpose will come and you will reject them. This makes you very unlikeable. “You have an attitude” but what did I tell you earlier? Royalty, doesn’t step out of the throne to address the opinion of a peasant. They will/might steal your valuable crown!!
Only you know where you are going and it’s none of your business trying to convince people to understand that. KEEP WALKING. Stay focused. God will send the right people to keep you company later on. Always too, based on my experience, with every single person you lose along the way, you will find an upgraded version later on. Wait and you will see.
The point of this part is that when you realize your purpose, stick closer to God and never forget how far He has brought you.
Remember too, the more your value increases, the more attractive you become. Use God’s wisdom. Not every opportunity that presents itself is worth your effort no matter how good it sounds. Also, things that “feel good” or “sound good” are very dangerous.
I always say, when a deal is too good, you need to think twice. Make decisions with your mind and logic. Not feelings. That which might seem like an opportunity in the beginning for many people, has turned out to be a life time detriment. Around here we don’t rush. We execute slow and steady. Paying attention to every detail and every calculated step we take. It is a marathon not a sprint. Besides, now we know EXACTLY what we want and where we are going so… Yay!
While others are busy competing with each other, tearing each other down, you stay focused on your stuff. Be as picky as you are with your outfit in the morning how you interact with anything and anyone. No hurry and you will soon realize, most of these people that seem to be getting ahead of you are actually, no offense, going nowhere. This universe is governed by unbroken principles and some people do very crazy things to get ahead. Not smart at all.
Promise me you will not be one of them. Take your time. The road of choice here is the one less traveled and it will be worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears. Be ready to be mocked, talked about, hated for nothing but the way I know God, when it rains it pours and your enemies will be sorry they even dared to mock you!!
I think this all I wanted to share. The most important aspects of being single. It is not a time to fantasise about an idea of a relationship. Miss an ex. Be on tinder. Sleep around-which is something I will talk about too. SEX.
It is a time where God pulls you aside to train you for something that has never crossed your mind even for one bit. You need the qualifications for it so don’t squander such a privilege!! Pay attention and be a teachable good student. You will be thankful by the time He is half way done.
That’s it from my side. Next time I want to address the dating phase because obviously after you have moved on, it’s time to take the car out for testing. So that we can see what areas are still lacking and we deal with it on time. Your next has to be IT and LIT.
If you’ve already moved on, pause right there and terminate that thing because you’re wasting your time.
Here, we won’t lie to each other!!
Meanwhile, as you work on becoming a better version of yourself, be a good human being while at it. Don’t become a proverbial angry feminist or harbour hate in your heart especially you ladies, towards men or, lose your spark, just because people never recognized your value and worth.
Always be kind. Empathetic too. If you see someone falling behind, walk beside them. Someone is being ignored, find a way to include them. If someone has been knocked down, lift them up. Always be the one to remind others their worth.
Generally, be who you needed when you were going though rough times. Just one small act of kindness and compassion, could mean the entire universe to somebody else. Also important to note, there is a scripture that reads:
“do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing, some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.”- Hebrews 13:2
Please enjoy your day and see you in my next post. It has been a pleasure sharing this with you. If you must know, I wanted to post this on Thursday but what I had written was not coming from my soul. I was actually ignoring my inner promptings but they were so strong, I had to undo everything and start all over again this time from my soul to yours. Hopefully I hit the right spot. I mean even if you don’t like it, I hope God smiles. Catch you later!!
PS: There is more to cover. Dating and sex especially!! So stay tuned!! In the mean time, hang on to the information on the image below: